Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday.

I have cried a lot today.  It’s normal for me to get weird around my birthday, to get the “birthday blues” as I guess they’re called.  Save for a couple surprises, I always end up feeling some sort of disappointment on my birthday.  Now, my wonderful boyfriend, Maio, would point out that if I lived life without expectations, I would have nothing to be disappointed with and, most likely, a lot to be happy about.  Unfortunately, any resemblance of this expectation-free life flies out the window around 12:00am on May 22^nd each year.  If I try to plan a big, real birthday party, something inevitably goes wrong or drama ensues.  If I try to lay low in order to avoid any of the aforementioned drama, I feel neglected (by myself, mostly) and sad.

This time, though, it all started with happy tears.  I had been somewhat nervous about this birthday, especially when I found out that I was to be alone on the estate, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but work to do.  When I woke up this morning, I thankfully forgot it was my birthday and jumped out of bed for the usual “late night/early morning” Skype time when I get to catch up on what happened during Maio’s day, and where my face is still doing that awful puffy thing it does when I’ve slept in a bed covered in my worst allergy—feathers.  Needless to say, Maio must be thrilled that this is the time when he gets to see my face.  It’s gotta be hot.

The reality of the day was brought back to reality when he wished me a happy birthday and immediately forbade me to look at my Dropbox until he said I could (the modern day “dont peek”?).   A half-hour or so later I had a bunch of “happy birthday” videos from my friends and family—Maio had reached out to everyone (at the last minute, of course, as the man quite literally works something like 20 ridiculous hours a day) and explained that he knew I was feeling lonely and could probably use a b-day pick me up.

Cue the tears.  This is probably the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done for me, and I was so surprised and appreciative and blubbery with happy tears.  Just when I thought I couldn’t love that man any more, he goes and does this.  And as for my friends and family who filmed some of the cutest/sweetest/most hilarious videos I’ve ever seen, there are no words for how grateful I am to have each and every one of you in my life.

Aw damn, I’m tearing up again.  I guess 26 is the year when your crazy woman “cry at everything” hormones kick in?  Who is this girl?!

I thought that I was going to make it out of this day alive, dedicating myself to nothing other than checking out my birthday wishes on Facebook, calling my family and friends to have long catch-up chats, and watching whatever the hell I wanted for as long as I wanted on Hulu.  (dream big, right?)

And then, around 2:30pm, it happened.  The internet died, and I lost it more violently than I think I ever have before.  I wouldn’t call what I was doing “sobbing”, necessarily, but rather “violent body shaking scream sobbing” for hours.  For so long, in fact, that I actually passed out cold, in my bed, clutching to what had to up upwards to 25 tissues.

This was clearly not about missing my Facebook birthday wishes in their immediacy.  It turns out that I’m just not cut out for this whole “find yourself within the middle of nowhere” self-help shit.  I’m just not built to Eat Pray Love my way through my life.  (Which, yes, I recognize that coming to this conclusion may actually be me ‘figuring myself out’ in the middle of nowhere, but having to stick around after you’ve figured it out is just plain mean.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not walking around this place in daily misery.  When we have guests or students, the days are generally quite pleasant—I’m busy, there are a ton of new people to talk to, I get to cook and eat great food, etc.  And the few people here at the estate are nothing if not perfectly nice and incredibly accommodating to me.  Never mind that Fabrizia has willingly and ever-so-graciously opened her home to me, someone who was practically a stranger.  But I miss my life, I miss my love, I miss my friends and family.  More than anything, I miss having an independent adult life and being in a place where I make all of my own daily decisions and can actually understand what’s going on around me enough to make said decisions.  I used to love being abroad, alone, finding myself in crazy situations and then figuring out a way to get back out.  But this time, I’m just plain homesick.  And I have to say I kinda like it– it makes me realize that maybe for once, I’m just damn happy with the life I have back home.

I will make it through the next five weeks just fine, and our month of June is so booked that I’ll be back before I know it.  Also, I just spent an amazing 4 days in London with Maio to “celebrate” my birthday (without celebrating it outright, which is exactly how I like it), so I know I shouldn’t complain.  (Look for a blog post on that trip pronto.)  But hey, it’s my birthday, and I’m allowed  a little birthday blues, ain’t I?

Especially until this damn internet turns back on, if it ever does.

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